Monday, November 15, 2010

"Fulfillment is the death of desire"

I have this weird thing where, when I'm waiting for something, I get REALLY good at waiting. I excel at it and actually start to enjoy it. Before Christmas, I'll be wound up like a seven year old, I'll want to sneak a peek at my presents, I'll just walk through the family room and stare at the empty stockings that are waiting to be filled. But the closer it gets, the calmer I feel, and when Christmas morning actually arrives, I don't even want to open my presents right away. I watch a few showings of A Christmas Story, drink my coffee, eat some eggs benedict, and wait around for someone to say, "Ok, you guys wanna do this?" I think it's partly because my family is a lot smaller than it used to be, so the celebration isn't as grand and doesn't seem as special, and also because I know that once the day is over, so is the anticipation. I love the feeling of wanting and pining for something or someone. I love looking forward to seeing friends or planning some fun getaway. I hate Sunday evenings after really fun weekends. I'm starting to feel a little like that about PC. I'm waiting and waiting for that email that says I'm cleared, but in making a conscious effort to not go crazy, I've pushed it out of my head. I feel like it's the week before Christmas and I'm getting eerily calm about this (in reality) enormous event to occur. Hopefully the anticipation pales in comparison to the actual experience :D

I was thinking about my belongings and my bank account last night. Most of my things are in a storage unit a little ways north of my home. My sofa is in there, my dining set, books, pots, pans, everything classroom, pictures, everything that made my apartments feel like my real life, adult home for the last eight years. (Maybe that's why I feel like a teenager again living at my mom's.) What is going to happen to them? When should I start to clean that out and consolidate my things? What if I don't get invited and I have to find a job again. UGH. My mom's house is honestly no place to be bringing everything home to, which is why it's in storage in the first place. On the other hand, it would be impractical and expensive to pay for 27 months more at this place. I'm going to have to give a lot away. I don't want to make the huge changes until I know something more concrete, but at the same time I know how much it's going to suck to do all this last minute. The whole push-everything-out-of-my-mind mantra only works so far, because it also allows things (read: February) to sneak up on me.


Jen Romba said...

I completely hear you..but my problem is that while waiting for whatever it is to occur (IE Peace Corps service) I plan. I plan to an almost obsessive degree.

I feel like part of me is still in limbo here just waiting to see if PC is going to take me, another part of me is thinking I can't make anymore HUGE changes with my life until I do *something* about this student loan thing (cuz if I can't defer the interest SOMEHOW I can't go).
Blah :|

You and I are thinkin the same thing (sort of)but you're able to do so in a much more positive manner. :P

Kimberley Rose said...

Give me some of that. I want to open my darn present! I lucked out in putting all of my eggs in one basket when it came to getting rid of most of my stuff and (thankfully) it worked out and I didn't have to wait long for it to do so.

I am keeping my fingers crossed and good thoughts out for yourmedical clearance. Let's face it, once you have that you are all but in.

Emily Grace said...

I do the same thing-- I make such a big deal of all the anticipation the actual thing isn't that big when I get to it. But, I have no doubt you'll be accepted and no doubt that the actual PC experience overseas will not pale in comparison to the anticipation. :)

Oh and PS-- I can't wait to read your blog when you are overseas. I hope you're still able to have one then!

victoria said...

When the PC recruiter talked to me about the whole process, I basically said "you know, it's a good thing this process takes a long time because i'll be mentally prepared by then!" i think how we handle the anticipation of exciting things is part of the preparation process.