Sunday, February 6, 2011

zen and/or panic, take your pick.

(wrote most of this last night, was too emotional to post it)

I don't have a phone anymore. Well, technically I still have a phone, but it won't ring if you call me because I don't have a phone number any longer. I called AT&T a few weeks ago to ask about canceling my service, and the guy told me to call back closer to my billing date since it's on the 7th of every month. I figured I could be without a phone for a day or two, since we're leaving on the 8th, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Apparently no longer having the phone number that I've had for 11 years was a bigger deal to my psyche than I thought it would be. (I obviously need to be less connected to stupid things, so this will be good for me.) When I called this afternoon the woman told me it'd be disconnected tonight. I panicked a little, but then forgot about it. Until we were at the bar waiting on the patio for a table. A little message popped up saying that there was no SIM card installed. All the sudden it hit me (it does that every now and then) that I'm moving to Africa in two days. Actually four, but I'm leaving home in two. I cried for about 3 minutes and then laughed. Most of the evening went like that; it'd hit me, I'd cry, and then start laughing.

That quote by Anais Nin, “and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom,” never quite hit home like it has in the last few weeks. I always appreciated it though I never understood why there was risk staying tight in a bud. But there is, and it's gotten painful. Whenever someone asks if I'm nervous, I think to myself that I'm more nervous about what my life would end up like if I stay put. Yes, I have lots of people that I love here, but my life would not be full of passion and adventure here. This experience is going to make my life intensely more rich. Simply put, when I was a baby, my parents did not dream of me growing up and being too scared to try new things.

This morning after brunch my best friend noted that we were all standing around, avoiding getting in our cars to leave. She said she wanted to just keep standing there so I'd miss my plane, but I said that eventually she had to go home to Tampa and back to work and that would leave me in Gainesville, still not doing anything special.


Jacque said...

Your post almost made me cry. I understand exactly how you feel. Whenever I start doubting myself and peace corps I think about what my life will be like if I don't go, and the answer is probably just like what it is right now and I want more than that. Stay strong and just get through the next few days and keep us posted! Good luck!

Tija Leigh said...

You have a lot of people following your blog that are rooting for you and understand your sentiments all too well. This will be an amazing adventure and an unmatched time in your life. I look forward to hearing and sharing stories, as I'm sure your family and friends do. Chin up! I am so excited for you!

Jen said...

So Liz, I could not totally sum up the feeling you just expressed in your blog. But now I understand exactly how I feel about this whole endeavor. Thanks lady. <3

Kati said...

That's a great quote, one of my favorites. My step-mom gave me a card with that quote on it the night I moved out of my parent's house. I was moving to the other side of the country, to somewhere that I didn't know, with no friends or family, and only the hope that college would bring great rewards. After reading it, I spent most of the night crying. It's taking that first step that's so painful, and so rewarding. Change is hard, as you know, but remember, you're just morning your old self. When you get on the plane to staging, and the adventure begins, you'll begin the celebration of your new self. The best part about blossoming is the release.

victoria said...

"[The boy] still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision is only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision." --The Alchemist

good luck, liz! If you haven't read Paulo Coehlo, let me know and I will make sure and send you a copy. If you have read it, read it again!